Beyond a child's reaction

I have three children. All three grow up in the same family, with the challenges that come with it. Yet each develops their own way of dealing with stress. One shouts when tension builds. Another worries about school. Another keeps seeking reassurance that they are good enough as they are.

Different reactions and different ways of coping with tension. But those reactions are not the feelings themselves. They are ways a child tries to manage what is happening inside. Beneath them may lie fear, uncertainty, sadness, shame or helplessness.

As a parent, this raises an important question for me: can I look beyond the reaction and see what is happening within my child? Or is something being touched within me too?

A child's behaviour can touch something that has lived within us for a long time. In those moments, I try to pause and breathe. This creates space between what affects me and how I respond. In that space, I can choose how to answer my child.

From that calm, curiosity emerges. What is happening within my child right now? What is this reaction trying to tell me? How did my child learn to cope with stress in this way?

And what happens within me when I see this? Do I recognise something from my own childhood or family system? Might I be passing something on without realising it?

These are many questions, and they do not always need an immediate answer. When we are willing to sit quietly, feel and write, we can gradually discover what is happening.